November 02, 2005 :: The sanity defense

For when you care enough to send the very best, but you don't because it would drive you crazy.

Have you ever known someone who always managed to push your buttons? Someone whose presence is so toxic that you can't stand to be around them, and even momentary contact has the potential to ruin the rest of your day? Common sense tells us to avoid people like that. We tell the boorish coworker with the percignly annoying laugh we're busy and have work to do. We don't invite that girl who has so much drama in her life it makes us feel unclean, and we don't invite that judgmental guy to our parties who always makes us feel small for not being as successful/ambitious/lucky or simply not dropping out of school or having a child out of wedlock. It is straightforward enough; if a person is bad for your psyche, you cut him or her out of your life. But what do you do when that person is family? Or, better yet, nuclear family?

We're suppose to love our family. Unconditionally. There is no greater love than that between a mother and child, and we use the words brother and sister as high forms of praise, because someone is so close that "he is like a brother to me". Anyone who has an actual family with enough people in it knows that life is rarely that simple. Family members argue, fight and feud, sometimes for decades, over the pettiest things. There's always at least one socially dysfunctional person, whether anyone admits it or not. Someone is an alcoholic, someone is an egotistical bigot, someone is a drug addict, someone is just simplpy a jackass. In some cases, its most of the family. What are you supposed to do then?

My own family can be like that sometimes. They are frequently the most petty, spiteful, negative, even hateful people I know. If this is what family love is about - backstabbing, undermining, casting doubt and aspersion every which way - then I don't need it. Even my own father (as some of you may already know) has issues. He's managed to alienate all six of his children, then he whines when no one calls him on his birthday. But he is still my dad, right?

I've gained some perspective on this over time, thanks to a friend. I've decided my mental health is more important than anything else. To the extent that anything threatens that, it gets reduced or eliminated. That includes toxic family members. In fact, she developed a system for classifying how much she blocks out people who threaten her mental health. I wish I could take credit for it. Here it is, in order from shortest to longest:

• COMA - Crack Of My Ass. Basically, I'm not going to speak to you for a few days.
• COMAT - Crack Of My Ass Treatment. I'm not going to speak to you for a few weeks. I've got other things to worry about besides your hassling me.
• COMBAT - Crack Of My Black Ass Treatment. I'm not going to speak to you for at least a few months, if I ever speak to you again.

So the basic idea is that when people start to threaten your sanity, you put them on block for a period of time that's long enough for your sanity to heal. Sometimes, that means forever. Sometimes, that's necessary.

posted by Rainmayun at 10:43 AM -

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