May 29, 2005 :: The neutral zone

This is the part I hate about dating. I've been out with this particular woman four times now, and each time I'm left with the same impression. On the one hand, she approached me in the beginning. She's articulate, down to earth, a lot of fun to talk to. She definitely has a shy side, although she seems to be opening up to me. She is also almost completely lacking in affection. It is almost as if, for her, even a hug is an afterthought. Her body language is totally non-responsive whenever I make physical contact with her. She doesn't push me away, she doesn't pull me closer, she just sort of does.... nothing.

It is possible that I am in the dreaded "friend zone" and I don't know it yet, although it would be somewhat disingenuous of her to keep accepting my invitations to do things (which she has) on my dime (which it has been) if she only intends to be friends with me. It is also possible that she really does like me, and that, for whatever reason, she's not very emotionally expressive or available. I suppose I have a few options:

1) Ask her directly what the hell is up.
This is the sort of conversation women usually bring up, to men's dismay. "Where is this going?" Although I think directness is a virtue, I don't think it's a good move here. For one, a lot about whether dating is enjoyable depends on the "vibe", and jarring directness has a way of disturbing that. The very act of asking might turn her off.

2) Ask her in indirect and semi-probing ways what the hell is up.
Instead of bringing it up directly, I can beat around the bush, hopefully in a way that she either won't notice or, if she does notice, won't provoke hostile reject from her the way option 1 might. "Do you consider yourself to be an affectionate person?" Sure, her answers are likely to be dodgy and evasive no matter which position she's coming from, but it might still give me enough information to figure out where I stand.

3) Don't ask anything, but keep going out with her and observing her.
I am not known for my patience in dating (reference the three date rule, which I will explain in more detail later). If I continue to take her out, and I find out seven dates later that I am in the "friend zone", I will feel cheated out of my time, energy and hard-earned dollars. Suffice it to say this isn't my usual M.O., but the older I get, the more patient I am willing to be with women whom I really like.

4) Kick her to the curb.
This would certainly eliminate the frustration in my life, although it would be abrupt, and I don't meet women of her caliber very often. Or, as a somewhat less harsh alternative, put her in my friend zone. That means I'd stop expecting anything more than friendship from her, and I'd stop treating her (in both senses of the word) as a potential. Everybody pays her own fare on the buddy bus.

One way or another, though, I'm not going to go on any more dates like the one I just had, where the ending leaves me wholly unsettled and unsatisfied.

posted by Rainmayun at 3:31 PM -